Lapsettoman äiti- ja isäpuolen suusta

Olin menneellä viikolla luennoimassa uuspareille uusperheistä, uusperhedynamiikasta ja sosiaalisesta vanhemmuudesta. Olen kerta toisensa jälkeen nöyrä näiden ihmisten edessä, jotka tulevat kuulemaan luentoa ja hakemaan työkaluja omaan parisuhteeseensa pitkän, usein hektisenkin työpäivän tai muiden päivän askareiden jälkeen.

Luennolla syntyi mm. keskustelua aiheesta lapseton äiti- ja isäpuoli. Miten ryhtyä vanhemmaksi toisen lapsille kun ei ole koskaan hoitanut edes omia lapsia? Onko se mahdollista? Pitääkö siihen edes pystyä? Ja jos pitää, niin millä tasolla. Etenkin äitipuolelle vaatimukset ovat usein ankarat. Vaaditaan välitöntä rakastamista ja kiintymystä itseltä –usein myös ympäristön paineet vaikuttavat asiaan.

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Kukaan ei synny vanhemmaksi, vaan vanhemmaksi kasvetaan. Vanhemmaksi kasvetaan vähitellen kiintymyssuhteen muodostumisen kautta.

Kiintymyssuhteen muodostumiseen liittyy myös kyky pitää toinen ihminen mielessä silloinkin kun hän ei ole fyysisesti läsnä. Vanhemman pitää lapsi mielessä varmistaa, että vanhempi kykenee eläytymään lapsensa mieleen ja hän vastaa lapsen kokonaisvaltaisiin ruumiillisiin ja tunneviesteihin riittävän oikein.

Pari ensimmäistä vuotta se lapsi aina kysyi multa työmatkojen jälkeen, että miksi mä en koskaan soita tai viestittele sille. Enhän mä voinut siihen vastata, että kun en mä muista matkoilla, että sä olet olemassa.

Uusperheessä lapseton kumppani on täysin uudessa tilanteessa. Hän ryhtyy samaan aikaan sekä puolisoksi että vanhemmaksi. Siirtymä yksineläjästä tai kahden aikuisen parisuhteesta perheelliseksi ilman kahdenkeskeistä seurustelua tai yhteistä harkintaa perheen perustamisesta on järjettömän iso muutos elämässä.

Että sellainenkin, että enhän mä ymmärtänyt, että ei lapsi opi tai usko kerrasta. Mä ajattelin, että kun mä kerran sanon sille, että astiat laitetaan aina tiskikoneeseen, niin ne laitetaan sinne. Mä otin henkilökohtaisena loukkauksena, kun se ei tehnytkään niin. Työkaveri sitten lämpimästi opasti, että lapset ei ole vielä ihan valmiita ihmisiä, että niille täytyy toistaa asioita usein satoja kertoja.

Lapseton sosiaalinen vanhempi, isä- tai äitipuoli ei ollut vanhempi koskaan aiemmin elämässään eikä hänellä ole välttämättä mitään kokemusta lasten kanssa elämisestä ja olemisesta. Hän ei ole ehkä koskaan hoitanut tai hoivannut eikä ehkä nytkään halua sitä. Uusperhettä perustettaessa otetaan kuitenkin aina koko paketti – myös ne toisen lapset.

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Koska kiintymyssuhdetta ei ole muodostunut, eikä siten kykyä pitää lapsi mielessä välttämättä ole, on lapseton isä- tai äitipuoli usein perustavanlaatuisten kysymysten edessä, joita lapsia omaava kumppani saattaa ihmetellä.

Mä en vielä oikein ymmärrä sitä yhdessä syömistä. Että syödään perheenä. Jos mulla ei ole nälkä, niin enhän mä silloin syö. Mä syön silloin kun mulla itsellä on nälkä – en mä siihen muita tarvitse.

Lapseton isä- ja äitipuoli kiintyy lapseen vähitellen sosiaalisena vanhempana omaan tahtiinsa. Sen verran kuin on kiintyäkseen. Kasvaa vanhemmaksi omaan tahtiinsa. Sen verran kun on kasvaakseen. Itselle kannattaa olla armollinen eikä vaatia liikaa. Vuosien kuluessa ja useimmiten juuri niiden kielteisten tunteiden kautta syntyy aito kiintymys ja välittäminen. Lapsia on omaavalta vanhemmalta vaaditaan myös kärsivällisyyttä. Ja iso kasa tukevaa rautalankaa, josta vääntää lapsettomalle kumppanille, miten lapsen kanssa kuuluu toimia.

Mulle tuli suurena yllätyksenä, että jääkaapissa täytyy olla ruokaa. Mistä mä olisin sen voinut ymmärtää? Mä olen aina syönyt ulkona tai töissä. Nyt kotona on joku, jota mun täytyy ruokkia ja yrittää pitää muutenkin hengissä.

– Kirsi

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